And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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