Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
