You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
