aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
