I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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