Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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