I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
