Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
