im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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