evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
