Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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