I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
