My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
