He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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