you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
