I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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