i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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