I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
