I'm so fucking centered right now
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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