apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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