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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
