ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
