I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
