Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
