im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
