I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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