last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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