so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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