Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I didn't notice because vodka
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
