im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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