Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
