I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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