1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
