its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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