Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
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