if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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