he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Randomize
