I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
