I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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