just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
