I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
