I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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