Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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