bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
