Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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