Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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