she smelled like a LAN party
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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