I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
