Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
