so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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