i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Two words: nipple clamps
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