You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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