it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
