All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
