I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
